Journal 01/28/2020 - Is It Really Worth It?
I want to give up. It seems dramatic and all that, but I really don’t want to keep on going.
Home isn’t worth it – especially after I got my dog at the beginning of September. Home sucks now. When I get home, I have to walk the dog. When I stay home, I have to walk the dog. It seems like all I am ever doing is walking the dog. Which wouldn’t be so bad if she liked other f-ing dogs! If that was the case, I would be able to just hang out someplace and let her tire herself out with the other dogs. As it is now, I am the one tiring her out and *I* am exhausted. I swear, when she’s gone, I will probably never go on another walk again. Sure, I’ll exercise, but it will never, ever, ever again be walking.
Then, of course, there are my new allergies. Most days they are 4/10 on the irritation scale, but some days it’s much worse. Also, 4/10 of irritation constantly could probably be considered a form of torture. There are days that I can’t stop whining and just want to be alone because I am so uncomfortable. And the day after the hives have cleared isn't any better, unfortunately. The old welts turn into bruises. So there is the bruise-pain, but also I have these dark marks all over my body. I'm starting to think there is no relief from it, except getting rid of my dog.
My new job definitely isn’t worth it. I tried to fit in with the rest of the team, but I don’t. They already had an established clique and I am not a part of it. They go out to lunch together, they group text, they offer to buy each other lunches… Maybe this is stupid, but it hurts my feelings to be excluded like that. It's so much like my last job in the worst of ways.
I hoped the dog, the new job, getting rid of toxic people, would help me feel better. Instead, it's all just making me feel more like a failure and that I am making the wrong choices.
I am alone and lonely. I did it to myself I guess: isolating myself from my “friends” and breaking up with my “boyfriend”. None of it seemed right to me, though. They all felt like choices I was making because I wanted them to be happy. So I left.
Now that I am alone and forced to find out what makes me happy, I am lost.
At least this time I don’t feel the compulsion to go out and find someone else I can ‘chameleon’.
This time, I have absolutely no idea what I want.